Warner Bros. Buys A Terrible Idea. At Least Someone Has Money To Burn In This Economy

Artist's terrible depiction.

I like dinosaurs. Who doesn't. They're giant, fantastic monsters that were real, walked the Earth, and died terribly so long ago most people can't even conceptualise it. They're like a child's imagination was given the ability to bring his nightmares to life, except he's really conscientious about safety, and has a thing for skeletons.

I like movies. Who doesn't. They afford use the ability to suspend our lives and exist in another world, experiencing thrills and drama vicariously, feeding our need for some assurance that no matter how mundane or standard our lives are, we can be part of something amazing. They are the natural evolution of the tales told around the fire, the myths of the ancients.

Despite my love for both of these things, I usually shudder when they are brought together. Dinosaurs in movies might seem like a good idea, but in practise it is a mine field of mediocrity that few are able to navigate. Even Jurassic Park, the pinnacle of dinosaur movies, fell victim to this trend, with a steep drop off in quality with it's sequels.

So, when I read the following news, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it, then cry, knowing that, despite how much it might sound like a direct to video movie by the SyFy channel, or The Asylum, this might just happen. Warner Bros. has bought a pitch from John Clisham and Mike Bayman (umm, who?) about dinosaurs that attack LA. Or, specifically:
“A rapidly evolving species of dinosaurs who attack modern Los Angeles.”
I say, why limit yourself? Why just have them attack modern LA. What about Wild West LA? Crazy future LA? Ancient (aka natural habitat) LA? Have the "rapidly evolving species" attack throughout time as well. I mean, as long as you're being stupid, you might as well go full-ass.

You know why this would suck if it actually happened? Aside from the fact that the CG would undoubtedly be terrible, like basic cable terrible, because no studio would give this movie the budget required to make the dinosaurs look watchable, let alone good. It's because they used the word 'species' in the pitch, which suggests to me that they don't know what that word means. Because, every dinosaur movie uses the same dinosaurs over and over: T-rex, triceratops, and since '93, raptors. And this movie, to be marketable, would have to include these. If they had to stick to one, they would almost certainly pick raptors. And they're already being used in Area 407.

Also, they use the word 'evolving', which no one uses correctly, so it's just a waste of breath explaining that evolution is a slow process of natural selection and random mutation taking place over hundreds and thousands of generations, slowly increasing the survival rate of particular members of a species to best fit a specific set of environmental conditions, breeding out weakness until a new species emerges in that location. That any movie featuring a city being terrorised by evolution would be a cinematic equivalent of watching a potato rot in your fridge. What I think you meant was 'transmogrifying'.

And it still wouldn't make a damned bit of sense.

Via /Film.
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About MR. Clark

Adopting the descriptor of "successfully unpublished author", MR. Clark began writing things on the internet in 2012, which he believed to be an entirely reputable and civilized place to find and deliver information. He regrets much.


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