[Review] 2012

2012 has left us all behind, like a dead beat father skipping out on his family. And it wasn't really anything special. Good stuff happened, bad stuff happened. It wasn't a freak year, like 1651, and it almost certainly happened, unlike 614-911. Sort of. I mean, all forms of time keeping are arbitrary. To the Jews, it is now 5773. To the Chinese it is 4710. In the 13 roving month calendar I created, it is 14469 (happy 19th of Cherish, in winter, everybody). But every year, no matter how mundane, leaves us something to remember it by.

Here now are the things I'll think back on when I think of 2012. Hit the jump to relive them with me.

Best New Website Which Uses Menacing Looking Cartoon Eyes As It's Logo

On the surface, Ethan's House of Suspicion was just a rambling list of all the people one unstable member of society thought was working against him. But underneath that, it was a harsh, critical look at who we are and where we are going as a culture. And then under that was a great big sweaty pile of crazy. I mean, amateur aquariumists? Come on. It's the professionals you have to look out for, everyone knows that.

That Ethan hasn't updated in several months can equally be considered for the best, or a cause for concern.

Worst Previously Released Movie Which Used The Year As The Title

Obviously, 2012 (2009)

Best Dismemberment

Special mention to the guy who got his arm torn off during the riots in the Game of Thrones episode The Old Gods and The New. And Michone from Walking Dead did a pretty good job cutting people into pieces in season three. But the winner can only be Justified, in what may well be the finest example of Chekhov's Meat Cleaver ever put on film.

Most Forgettable Film

Umm... That one, you know...

Biggest Jerk

Stanley Conway
Argyle Street,

He knows what he did.

Best Swanson

Every time Ron Swanson opens his mouth, something comes out more meaningful then everything ever said by the Dalai Lama, Bono and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir together. Swansonism will never replace Jedi as the most popular alternative religion, because Swansonism is more of a personal philosophy system, with no real religious elements, other then a devotion to breakfast foods. So pinning down one piece of pure Swanson advice as better then the rest is hard. Nay, practically impossible. But if one stands out, it might be this:

Best Fiftieth Anniversary Celebration

James Bond in Skyfall, but only by default. My fault, really, I thought the field was much denser. But Doctor Who doesn't celebrate til next year, the Queen was celebrating her sixtieth, and while I thought Coronation Street had squished Ashley under the rubble in the spring, turns out that was two years ago. So, yeah...

But really, Corrie should still win for being one of the few shows to turn a major character into jam filling under a crashed train and a pile of bricks.

Various Science Things

The confirmation of the existence of the Higgs-Boson was a pretty big deal (sorry, I underplayed that one a touch. It was a very big deal), but you have to remember that this year also saw the death blow to that arsenic-based life theory, as well as the debunking of the faster then light neutrinos. Sense took a step backwards when NASA felt the need to comment on that end of the world horseshit, multiple times, and the Americans continued to fail to realise how important science and space based research is by repeatedly threatening to, and then dramatically cutting, NASA's budget, essentially leaving them just enough money to comment unnecessarily on crazy-person garbage. Curiosity successfully landed, to the joy of that guy above, and has been making swift work of Mars since. SpaceX successfully launched and delivered a package to the ISS, while Planetary Resources announced their intentions to mine for space gold, while rubbing their hands together and cackling fiendishly.

But I still don't have a cloned mammoth, so I consider this one a wash.

Late Night Interview With The Most Sexual Tension, Causing The Host To Become Flustered and Visibly Uncomfortable

I'm tempted to give this one to Stephen Colbert's week long Hobbit-fixation, with particular focus on his Ian McKellen interview, but no. The winner goes to Craig Ferguson, who gladly accepts the title of "creepiest douche in late night," but even this one got away from him. His interviews with women (and the occasional man) are always dripping with sexual innuendo, especially if he is personal friends with the guest. However, as part of his series of interviewing Skyfall castmates who couldn't get booked on Leno, Ferguson welcomed Bérénice Marlohe, the French actress who played the short lived Sévérine, and in doing so met his match. His usual shtick was turned back on him by the French actress, who was either unfamiliar or unconcerned with American broadcasting standards. To watch Craig simultaneously stop himself from breaking out in a flop sweat, while begging with his eyes for help from his long suffering producer Michael is a riot.

Most Forgettable Film

It had that guy in it. From the thing, with the leg.

Most Enjoyable Movie of 2012

Cabin in the Woods is a funny, thought-provoking, subversive take on the horror movie genre, that manages to both comment on the genre, and be an excellent example of the same, without losing it's edge or devolving into parody. It single handedly made the entire genre irrelevant from here on out. Except that it was made in 2009, and sat on a shelf somewhere, only to be brought out to tread on the Avengers coat tails, because no one had faith in the powers of Joss Whedon. Happily, it retroactively becomes the Most Enjoyable Movie of 2009, so suck it Zombieland.

Which leaves the title for this year to be claimed by Goon, the Canadian hockey film that never gets old. Between the cartoonish level of violence, the straight from the heart honesty, and lines like "[he's] probably giving some single mother herpes in the parking lot," Jay Baruchel proves that he is one of the better talents working in the film industry today.

Best Movie Made In 2009 Starring Chris Hemsworth, But Delayed Due To Financial Difficulties With The Studio, To Be Released This Year

Of which there were two that match that description to a tee. And this time it all belongs to The Cabin in the Woods.

Most Forgettable Film


Movie I Most Wanted To Punch Those Responsible For In The Neck Immediately Afterwards

Prometheus. Fuck those guys.

And Some Other Stuff That Happened That I've Completely Forgotten About.

Now, we turn our eyes forward, to 2013, and the great question that lies before all of us at these moments of transition: "how am I going to screw this up?"

Lets find out together, shall we?
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About MR. Clark

Adopting the descriptor of "successfully unpublished author", MR. Clark began writing things on the internet in 2012, which he believed to be an entirely reputable and civilized place to find and deliver information. He regrets much.


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