When They Come For You, All You'll Know Is Bushy Tails, Then Darkness

True fact1: squirrels are the fears of young children made flesh and fur. Every time a child screams in terror, a squirrel is belched from the knot hole of a twisted pine or oak tree, but never poplar. They are the agents of the Nut Lobby, operating under strict orders to deplete our precious nut stores, there by driving up demand and increasing revenue for Big Nut. And if that jabbering little bastard outside my window won't shut up, he's going to have a harsh encounter with Mr. Cricket Bat.

Few are able to see this truth, and fewer still are willing to speak it. I have no fear, because of my natural ability to punt, and would be able to forestall any attacks against my person, so long as they took place in open field. Director Timur Bekmambetov is another unafraid to spread the truth, as is evidence by this footage. It might be presented as a trailer for an upcoming film project, but it should be a PSA, playing on a loop in every public park, nature trail and mini putt course (little varmints love to hold up in windmills until the heat dies down).

Between Bekmambetov warning us of the squirrel menace, and Marvel's upcoming educational film about the effects of stress on raccoons, the free ride we've given tree-based rodents will finally be coming to an end.

1. Not even remotely.
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About MR. Clark

Adopting the descriptor of "successfully unpublished author", MR. Clark began writing things on the internet in 2012, which he believed to be an entirely reputable and civilized place to find and deliver information. He regrets much.


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