Do Dogs Have Brains: An In-depth Examination

Occasionally, on the internet, someone will do or say something so monumentally stupid that everyone else affords themselves a couple minutes to sit and watch and reflect on the concepts of natural selection. Sometimes it's someone jumping from a great height onto a startlingly solid object. Sometimes it's a colossal failure of a popular dance routine. Or, sometimes it's like poor Trish here, who for reasons she's making very obvious to viewers has rarely been told "no," it's just good old fashioned ignorance.

Instead of just pointing at Trish and laughing, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. After the jump I've included a transcript of my thought process as I was watching her, let's call it an opinion.

0:02 - OK, serious debate topical question going on. I'm pumped, let's do this!

0:09 - We have our thesis: do dogs have brains?

0:16 - It was like the what war? The Cristedal? Chris O'Dell? Cresh Sell Down?

0:22 - Oh good, exposition.

0:29 - Science check: Dogs are, in fact, mammals. She's off to a good start.

0:31 - Don't over react, she misspoke. Everyone does that, can't fault her for that. Dogs are obviously not humans.

0:32 - See, she recovered, and moved on.

0:34 - Yes... dogs, by being mammals, are party of the animal kingdom.

0:36 - Jesus shout out (beats chest, gives peace sign)

0:43 - Clearly, she has never seen Scooby Doo. Her entire premise would have been completely destroyed by that show.

0:45 - She keeps using the word "brains." I do not think it means what she thinks it means.

0:48 - It's still early days, but already I think she might be confusing dogs with remote control robots.

0:53 - When she tells her computer to turn off, it does? What kind of crazy future world does she come from? I want this voice active technology, because right now all I've got is an MP3 player that doesn't understand the difference between Lionel Richie and Wu Tang Clan.

0:56 - I do. I know exactly what she means. It's like just because some people ramble on endlessly on the internet, it doesn't mean they have an opinion, right?

1:05 - It's simple logic: talking equals brains. This is why zombies only groan, and so hunger for delicious think meat.

1:08 - How can you have a brain and not be able to talk? I think Plato asked that once.

1:19 - She doesn't just find the time to love all god's creatures, she makes the time, dammit.

1:21 - OK, this is good background. So, the conditions for not having brains are 1) no talking, and 2) be scary.

1:29 - Would she step into on coming traffic to avoid a dog?

1:35 - He's a hard boiled cop who has seen too much. She's a Jesus loving house wife with a nose for crime. Christian Intuition, this spring on NBC.

1:39 - Obviously, this is a hell beast sent to tempt us all into sin. Obviously.

1:44 - Come on guys, shed light. Shed it!

1:49 - "I'd be really interested to hear what you think if dogs have brains." Let's just reflect on that question for a moment. And the grammar.

1:51 - Can it be scientifically be proven? Thus far, science hasn't had a lot of sway in this conversation.

1:57 - I don't know if you caught this, but she has used the word "interesting" quiet wrongly there.

2:00 - I can say with absolute certainty, someone here is confused.

2:04 - It is a serious issue. It is perhaps the hot button topic of our day. This is the real reason the Government shut down, people.

2:07 - Wait wait wait... if they aren't human? Did she catch an episode of Wilfred and get mightily confused, is that what's happened here?

2:10 - Things without brains: why are they on this Earth? Also, do they taste good, and can you f&#$ it?

2:14 - WOW, she went all Neil deGrasse Tyson on us for a moment. Forget about the devil sculpting puppies to doom all man kind, now we're boldy going to other planets?

2:20 - "These are all things you have to consider when asking these things." Yes. Yes they are.

2:30 - What does happen, you know? Like, do we all just... go? Or are we already, huh, there, man?

2:32 - Clearly.

2:36 - Dogs are freaky. This is fact.

2:46 - If you've been attacked by dogs three times, perhaps you should consider that it isn't the dogs that are at fault. Also, define what you mean by "attack." Because we've already established that you might not have the strongest grip on definitions.

2:55 - OK, so you got "attack" right. Good for you.

3:04 - More logic: god's creatures wouldn't attack another of god's creatures. Thus explaining the violence free nature of human history.

3:14 - Don't worry about this topic anymore. I'd be more worried about the comments you've just invited everyone to leave. Because YouTube comments sections are known for their decorum and kindliness. Your sense of self worth as a person will not in any way be destroyed by reading what the collective internet has to say on your hard hitting philosophical quagmire.
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About MR. Clark

Adopting the descriptor of "successfully unpublished author", MR. Clark began writing things on the internet in 2012, which he believed to be an entirely reputable and civilized place to find and deliver information. He regrets much.