Under His Tutelage, You Too Can Grow From A Husband Into A Father, And From A Father Into A Swanson


How to properly parent*:

Step 1: Sire progeny, preferably with the cooperation of your special lady friend.

Step 2: Construct your infant child a crib out of old growth mahogany, or if you don't want to look like some kind of city dwelling communist, carve a crib out of a single red wood stump.

Step 3: Trap, kill and stuff a woodland creature. Present it to your offspring as a play thing. Acceptable names include "Fluffy" and "Tim."

Step 4: Print and mount the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness in direct eye line of the infant's sleeping quarters. Teacher them to read from it, so that the lessons may seep into their being from the earliest instance. Remember, preparedness against skim milk can never begin too soon.

Step 5: Teach them to skate. This will prepare them for much.

Step 6: Expose them to as much of nature as possible, not only for the physical and mental strengthening it will give them, but also because getting mud in the nose and all manner of insect bite it will result in fewer fashionable allergies, like wheat-grass and dairy.

Step 7: Encourage them to be independent, free spirited persons, whose whims are not controlled by media influence or herd mentalities. However, stomp out any signs of vegetarianism at their earliest moments. That stuff is just nonsense.

Step 8: DO NOT BUY THEM A PHONE. Buy them a hatchet, and explain that they must earn the axe.

*Please note, the author has not successfully implemented these techniques on any human children. All things being equal, that's probably for the best.
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About MR. Clark

Adopting the descriptor of "successfully unpublished author", MR. Clark began writing things on the internet in 2012, which he believed to be an entirely reputable and civilized place to find and deliver information. He regrets much.

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