Does Whatever A Spider Can

Boy, when I''m wrong, I'm wrong, aren't I? I don''t do things by half measures, see. Only a couple weeks after my attempt to work Spider-man into the MCU, prefacing that little bit of redundant brainstorming with a diatribe about how Sony and Disney bringing Spider-man into the MCU fold was a bad decision on both company's part, Marvel announced that it will be bringing Spider-man into the MCU fold. Almost sort-of kinda absolutely. Maybe.

This is the sort of news I hate, because the internet got on this like a dog on the leg of your most easily embarrassed cousin, and launched into a wild shit-storm of speculation that had no baring or similarity to fact. What Marvel announced was this:
"Under the deal, the new Spider-Man will first appear in a Marvel film from Marvel's Cinematic Universe (MCU). Sony Pictures will thereafter release the next installment of its $4 billion Spider-Man franchise, on July 28, 2017, in a film that will be co-produced by Kevin Feige and his expert team at Marvel and Amy Pascal, who oversaw the franchise launch for the studio 13 years ago. Together, they will collaborate on a new creative direction for the web slinger. Sony Pictures will continue to finance, distribute, own and have final creative control of the Spider-Man films.
Marvel and Sony Pictures are also exploring opportunities to integrate characters from the MCU into future Spider-Man films."
What the internet didn't like was the ambiguity in that statement, and managed to carve some asteroid-survivable caves into the mountains they crafted out of this moll-hill. Marvel, to their credit, actually made the deal fairly easy to understand, without having poor Kevin Feige get out in front of chalk board and Doc Brown this thing for everyone. Here, in simple terms, is the deal: there will be a new Spider-man. He will appear in a MCU film, now largely expected but not confirmed to be Civil War (which, as an aside, that film is getting to be massively loaded. If Marvel is using it as a test run to see if the Russo's can handle a shit-load of characters and plot lines before giving them the keys to the Avengers, that is hell of a test drive), then get his own film a couple years from now. That's it kids. That's all there is to know, because at this point, that is literally all there is. Anything else is conjecture, which if it is backed up by fact and reasonable assertion, can have it's time and place. I've taken advantage of that, and been proven correct more than once (not, as it turns on, on this, but I digress).

I stand by my initial arguments, and see this as Marvel saddling themselves with an unneeded distraction, and that Sony comes out the clear winner, as they basically get to watch someone else make the pie, then get to eat it. And if to prove my point, a moment after releasing this information, they announce that they are shifting their entire, carefully orchestrated schedule to accommodate the web crawler. Yes, Sony is even making them use one of their own release dates, rather than burn off one of their own. So all those future MCU films that we were getting good and pumped for get shoved one to the left.

And I blame you. Yes, you, in the puffy jacket and with the terrible facial hair and the cheese dust on your fingers. I blame you, because Marvel seems to think you want a new Spider-man movie post haste. But you don't. You think you do, but that's mostly because you're an idiot. What you want are all those nice, new, untested characters that Marvel had said we were getting. And you know why I know that? Because you said you wanted a new Spider-man, and got one, but later realized what you actually wanted was Guardians of the Galaxy. You think you want the guy in the pajamas that's on your bedspread, but what you won't realize that you'll enjoy and appreciate more until after it's been force fed to you is an African prince, or Space Mutants. Or Carol fucking Danvers. These are the heroes you need. Spider-man is the hero you deserve.

Look, I have nothing against Spider-man (and let us be clear: logic and business sense mean it'll be Peter Parker. I'd love nothing more than to be wrong about that, and have Miles Morales be the MCU Spidey, but that ain't likely to happen). But in the face of all the MCU has to offer that is new and unexplored and not about to be rebooted for the third time in a decade, I don't want more Spider-man. I want him to go away for a while. I thought 2020 was reasonable. I guess I was wrong. Who I really feel sorry for in all this is Drew Goddard. The man left the Daredevil series, reportedly his life long passion project, for the land of milk and honey that was Sony's Spiderverse, only for that to rip apart faster than a spider-web in a hurricane. His Sinister Six film was meant to be the next movie out, the first in the Spidey-lore films. Now, there are unconfirmed reports that it's still a go, though I don't know how that will be possible considering that it was meant to be built on the foundation of AMS2. The very quick turnaround on the new solo film makes me wonder if the script for Sinister Six doesn't already pass the Fiege test, and will require very little alteration in order to make it a Spider-lead picture. In which case, Goddard salvages his film, and gets to again be pat of the MCU that he probably shouldn't have left in the first place (seriously, little pigs, you don't run out of the brick house in favour of the one made of straw).

Everyone, even fans, have been wondering how long Marvel's streak would hold out and have been waiting to see if they'll experience a Pixar-level trip-up, after a decade of success. Part of me wonders if this isn't it.
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About MR. Clark

Adopting the descriptor of "successfully unpublished author", MR. Clark began writing things on the internet in 2012, which he believed to be an entirely reputable and civilized place to find and deliver information. He regrets much.


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